Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Bridesmaids (:
I am feeling :). I think every girl should watch Bridesmaids. It’s more than just about friendship and getting married; it’s about being a woman, fulfilling your needs and desires in the role you were assigned. In truth, this movie breaks my heart. I would have cried had it not been for the kept-up of constant humor. It felt so real, like one of my friends is really getting married, and i…might have been the maid-of-dishonor. Weddings can be scary, can’t they? The romance plot was really sweet and genuine. My heart melted!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Went to Chinatown today with Wei. I was wired the whole time from coffee on the bus ride there, it felt terrible. It was an over-2-hour ride there, too...
I have to say, i hate China town. There was a reading i did for Bascara's class that mentioned how Asian ppl (especially Chinese) crudely imitate white ppl, in attempt to make them like and accept us. However, most end up making fools out of themselves for they fail to see they're the butt of e.o else's jokes or they just lack the language abilities. Anyway, Chinatown feels like that- colorful, as though to feign a sense of establishment over what might be known as shit; . The souvenir shops had all sort of odds &ends, things you would normally throw out, not spend money for. One shop sells e.t. from bottled water, yu-gi-oh cards, to fake jewelry, numchucks, and Halloween costume, all in one dingy, dirty random shop. Most of the things there look like they've been there for at least 10 years! Never mind the dust, i see things that i haven't seen since i was in 2nd grade! Things that i used to want, but never got. Seeing all of that just sickened me. I began to feel a strange sense of insecurity swelling up; it reminded me of the past and what a hopeless, depressing world that was. It wasn't just a single shop though, the entire China town seems as if they've been wrapped up and sent back to live in whatever old time they came from.
Then we went to dinner, which was also so-so. He offered to pay for dinner, but exchanged quarters for a dollar with me squarely rather than giving me 50cent for the bus ride. At one point his friends showed up in the same restaurant &he was embarrassed that they would think we're dating.
I have to say, i hate China town. There was a reading i did for Bascara's class that mentioned how Asian ppl (especially Chinese) crudely imitate white ppl, in attempt to make them like and accept us. However, most end up making fools out of themselves for they fail to see they're the butt of e.o else's jokes or they just lack the language abilities. Anyway, Chinatown feels like that- colorful, as though to feign a sense of establishment over what might be known as shit; . The souvenir shops had all sort of odds &ends, things you would normally throw out, not spend money for. One shop sells e.t. from bottled water, yu-gi-oh cards, to fake jewelry, numchucks, and Halloween costume, all in one dingy, dirty random shop. Most of the things there look like they've been there for at least 10 years! Never mind the dust, i see things that i haven't seen since i was in 2nd grade! Things that i used to want, but never got. Seeing all of that just sickened me. I began to feel a strange sense of insecurity swelling up; it reminded me of the past and what a hopeless, depressing world that was. It wasn't just a single shop though, the entire China town seems as if they've been wrapped up and sent back to live in whatever old time they came from.
Then we went to dinner, which was also so-so. He offered to pay for dinner, but exchanged quarters for a dollar with me squarely rather than giving me 50cent for the bus ride. At one point his friends showed up in the same restaurant &he was embarrassed that they would think we're dating.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The best laid plans...
I met up with Sokline, which was more annoying than it needed to be. It's awkward enough that i don't want any association with that group, what i thought was a quick 15-minute greet &meet lasted for an hour, &i ended up missing an hour of midterm review for ArtHis. All bc he was showing me around the student activity center, which i have no interest in. We talked about academic stuff, he filled out a worksheet w/ boxes of a bunch of goals. My goals. Immediate academic goal, immediate holistic goal, future academic goals, future holistic goal, etc. I had to keep saying i have no goal at the moment. I even explained to him i dont like to put goals down on paper least i feel the pressure to having fulfill them at inconvenience. He countered that i shouldn't think of it as a check-off list, just "steps" that will help me get there. Still it was annoying. You're just a stranger, dude, what makes you think i can share my personal thoughts with you? I think, future-wise, i really want to settle down, find s.o. who can provide me the companionship, security, and love i long for. I've always craved love, any form of love, but i've done a pretty good job of concealing those wants and needs, haven't i? Anyway, i wasn't gonna share all that w/ him.
At one point, he was like, "i feel like i'm the one asking all the questions..." So i asked about a bright red string he was wearing, bc it really attracted my attention. It turned out to be from a Buddhist temple he went to in Cambodia - he's quite religious. He told me how Cambodian Buddhist worship a different sect than Vietnamese &Chinese Buddhist, which i didnt know b4. I wonder why we didnt have a longer conversation about that. Oh he's in Bascara's class w/ me! Dude just doesn't go to class! Apparently he has an upper div class w/ Bascara too, which was smaller &on a personal level.
I think i totally don't like him like him. I'm just being stubborn. Once s.o. catches my eyes, it's as if i close my eyes to all the reasoning my mind's telling me. Like i know we didn't really click or find each other fascinating - dude didn't even laugh at my witty jokes! - somehow inside me sth is retaliating, 'i don't care, let's keep stalking him.' Oh, his eyes are gorgeous. They remind me of the illustrations of Cambodian / APA i saw in class. They look like elongated almonds - a very distinct shape that i wish i can recapture on paper. But his teeth are horribly crooked, though.
At one point, he was like, "i feel like i'm the one asking all the questions..." So i asked about a bright red string he was wearing, bc it really attracted my attention. It turned out to be from a Buddhist temple he went to in Cambodia - he's quite religious. He told me how Cambodian Buddhist worship a different sect than Vietnamese &Chinese Buddhist, which i didnt know b4. I wonder why we didnt have a longer conversation about that. Oh he's in Bascara's class w/ me! Dude just doesn't go to class! Apparently he has an upper div class w/ Bascara too, which was smaller &on a personal level.
I think i totally don't like him like him. I'm just being stubborn. Once s.o. catches my eyes, it's as if i close my eyes to all the reasoning my mind's telling me. Like i know we didn't really click or find each other fascinating - dude didn't even laugh at my witty jokes! - somehow inside me sth is retaliating, 'i don't care, let's keep stalking him.' Oh, his eyes are gorgeous. They remind me of the illustrations of Cambodian / APA i saw in class. They look like elongated almonds - a very distinct shape that i wish i can recapture on paper. But his teeth are horribly crooked, though.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I hate offices.
Confusing nightmare. I think what they said in Inception was true - when you're in a dream, e.t. feels completely normal, it's when you wake up that you notice things that were out of the ordinary and yeah, completely ridiculous.
My 4th grade teacher was in my dream. He's a generally nice guy, although not too involved with his student. In my dream he was selecting among a group of students to accompany him on a study abroad trip i guess. We were sitting around a table, i was feeling very weird that day - a mixture of bitterness and rebellion, a very screw-you-world attitude. So i hid his drink under the table. He soon discovered it was me, and he was furious, as if I just stole from him or s.th. Anyway, to save my opportunities, i started begging him. I told him how hard it's been for me. I don't remember what but it was very personal, &i was very convincing. I guess in the end we were even closer than we were at the beginning. I had a feeling i got the position, although i never actually did see any confirmation. Oh and, there was a scene when i was chasing after him down a path of stairs on his way to a store, &wall e was walking out of the store. I stayed bhind bc i didn't want wall e to see me. There was a very clear scene that they crossed path. There were s.th very similar in their postures.
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Yesterday was exhausting. Dad had to come up &drive me home for a fcking housing interview, bc i am now '18.' The ride was long &nauseated, but i brought a bunch of rendezvous &pizza home, so that was nice. We went to the fcking meeting in that awful office. Waited for half an hour while the menacing receptionists barked at each other and at comers in the sourest, bitchiest, bossiest, most broken English ever. Kids dropped a few papers: "Gosh how can people do this?! What an undisciplined, uneducated family!" She couldn't even speak proper Vietnamese, adding meaningless words like 'okai?' 'you know?' every so often to speeds up her speech and perhaps hide her stupidity as well. Yes, i feel like ignorant stupid ppl like her were judging me, &that not only upset me but also made me recoil. By the time we got into the interviewer's office, i was full of hateful attitude. She TOLD me to translate to my parents - not asked, told - &told me to write things as if i were her personal secretaries. I almost screamed at her, 'why don't you do it, it's your job.' Things were really intense - papers flew at us, we had to sign this and that, one after another for almost 2 hours. I was overwhelmed, and thus, stressed out.
She had a picture of her daughter in her office, whom, judging by how young she looks, just entered uci. sth about the fancy portraits throughout her childhood and nice stuffed anteater of a frame (UCI) that made me feel uncomfortable. Yes, i feel like that girl has had things that i wasn't so fortunate to have in my childhood. But in truth, that is a silly feeling. I have senior portraits too, if i want to display 'em. I don't get the latest things that teenagers have, but i eventually have them, or the trend becomes worthless and goes away. Why do i always feel like a poor, deprived child? :( She was nice to me, in the end. She nicely gave me back my class schedule when i asked, &showed a degree of impression when i told her my family and i aren't paying a cent for college this year. I don't like public-assisting, social workers' offices.
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Dad drove me back to school early that afternoon for me to make it to my stupid interview for Asian Pacific Coalition internship. To be honest, i only did the application last minute bc the app was too awesome. I got to paste a snippet of my artworks on there, with my website and all. The interview was ridiculous. Total deja vu moment back to Decathlon's impromptu portion. They showed me a schedule: You have 2 minutes to introduce yourself &why you want to join (i only used 1 min. Fail), 10 minutes for us to ask questions, &2 minutes closing to tell us what you might regret not telling (wtf?) I tried not to laugh, bc i was so unprepared &my responses, though thoughtful, were completely bs. &they asked some serious stuff, like what does it mean to be a Vietnamese American (What is the meaning of life?!), why is it important for Pan America Asian Pacific groups to come together, what are the issues i'm most passionate about, what was the hardest moment of life &how did i overcome it. blabblab. You know i've never been successful at interviews, much less impromptu speeches...But i gotta try.
My 4th grade teacher was in my dream. He's a generally nice guy, although not too involved with his student. In my dream he was selecting among a group of students to accompany him on a study abroad trip i guess. We were sitting around a table, i was feeling very weird that day - a mixture of bitterness and rebellion, a very screw-you-world attitude. So i hid his drink under the table. He soon discovered it was me, and he was furious, as if I just stole from him or s.th. Anyway, to save my opportunities, i started begging him. I told him how hard it's been for me. I don't remember what but it was very personal, &i was very convincing. I guess in the end we were even closer than we were at the beginning. I had a feeling i got the position, although i never actually did see any confirmation. Oh and, there was a scene when i was chasing after him down a path of stairs on his way to a store, &wall e was walking out of the store. I stayed bhind bc i didn't want wall e to see me. There was a very clear scene that they crossed path. There were s.th very similar in their postures.
Yesterday was exhausting. Dad had to come up &drive me home for a fcking housing interview, bc i am now '18.' The ride was long &nauseated, but i brought a bunch of rendezvous &pizza home, so that was nice. We went to the fcking meeting in that awful office. Waited for half an hour while the menacing receptionists barked at each other and at comers in the sourest, bitchiest, bossiest, most broken English ever. Kids dropped a few papers: "Gosh how can people do this?! What an undisciplined, uneducated family!" She couldn't even speak proper Vietnamese, adding meaningless words like 'okai?' 'you know?' every so often to speeds up her speech and perhaps hide her stupidity as well. Yes, i feel like ignorant stupid ppl like her were judging me, &that not only upset me but also made me recoil. By the time we got into the interviewer's office, i was full of hateful attitude. She TOLD me to translate to my parents - not asked, told - &told me to write things as if i were her personal secretaries. I almost screamed at her, 'why don't you do it, it's your job.' Things were really intense - papers flew at us, we had to sign this and that, one after another for almost 2 hours. I was overwhelmed, and thus, stressed out.
She had a picture of her daughter in her office, whom, judging by how young she looks, just entered uci. sth about the fancy portraits throughout her childhood and nice stuffed anteater of a frame (UCI) that made me feel uncomfortable. Yes, i feel like that girl has had things that i wasn't so fortunate to have in my childhood. But in truth, that is a silly feeling. I have senior portraits too, if i want to display 'em. I don't get the latest things that teenagers have, but i eventually have them, or the trend becomes worthless and goes away. Why do i always feel like a poor, deprived child? :( She was nice to me, in the end. She nicely gave me back my class schedule when i asked, &showed a degree of impression when i told her my family and i aren't paying a cent for college this year. I don't like public-assisting, social workers' offices.
--------
Dad drove me back to school early that afternoon for me to make it to my stupid interview for Asian Pacific Coalition internship. To be honest, i only did the application last minute bc the app was too awesome. I got to paste a snippet of my artworks on there, with my website and all. The interview was ridiculous. Total deja vu moment back to Decathlon's impromptu portion. They showed me a schedule: You have 2 minutes to introduce yourself &why you want to join (i only used 1 min. Fail), 10 minutes for us to ask questions, &2 minutes closing to tell us what you might regret not telling (wtf?) I tried not to laugh, bc i was so unprepared &my responses, though thoughtful, were completely bs. &they asked some serious stuff, like what does it mean to be a Vietnamese American (What is the meaning of life?!), why is it important for Pan America Asian Pacific groups to come together, what are the issues i'm most passionate about, what was the hardest moment of life &how did i overcome it. blabblab. You know i've never been successful at interviews, much less impromptu speeches...But i gotta try.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Last weekend was Meghan [my roommie] and her bf's one-year anniversary. He flew in from NorCal to surprise her &all that cute stuff. I went home for the weekend &only saw him briefly when i got back. One of Jordan Hoyle's ex's recently got engaged to her bf of 4 years. &As it happened, he totally loved her &was upset by this news. He confessed it to Meghan, who wasn't so pleased. Then, Saturday night at 3-4 a.m., she saw his fb messages &found out he had msg-ed Ashley, telling her that he's upset by her engagement, that although he loves Meghan &tell her she means the world to him, it was only to make Ashley jealous. In truth, Ashley was everything to him. When she subtly told him to back off &even reassured him that his relationship with Meghan also seems difficult bc of the far distant, he almost begged her to talk to him. He even said he loves her. Well, after reading that, Meghan just cried. She told him what she read, &he panicked and cried too (wonderful) He apologized endlessly &says that he feels terrible for hurting her that way. He even told her this trip just proves to him that he has e.t. he needs. But, how can she believe his words after seeing his action? You know?
Hearing all that, i couldn't help but notice how i was in the same stagnant position. Isn't that where we ran into storms of issues and insecurities? He started to shift his attention to someone else, while proclaiming that I was the only one. We never could find the answer to our problem, you know. E.time he throws out a promise, it just sickened me more bc i no longer believed in any of it, bc he didn't give me anything to believe in. But i was dumb. I couldn't walk from it before it walked from me. I just want an adult relationship. I want someone who would guide me rather than making me find answers to perpetual problems. I kinda want a relationship
Hearing all that, i couldn't help but notice how i was in the same stagnant position. Isn't that where we ran into storms of issues and insecurities? He started to shift his attention to someone else, while proclaiming that I was the only one. We never could find the answer to our problem, you know. E.time he throws out a promise, it just sickened me more bc i no longer believed in any of it, bc he didn't give me anything to believe in. But i was dumb. I couldn't walk from it before it walked from me. I just want an adult relationship. I want someone who would guide me rather than making me find answers to perpetual problems. I kinda want a relationship
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Karma's a bitch.
Unfathomable. Just unbelievable. I think that much is true that today is a shitty day. My mom and I got into a fight yesterday bc she wants me to go home w/ Tim and i wanted to go w/ Theresa. As usual, she throws out her demands repeatedly without processing any of my reasoning. I got mad, told her i'll call her later, &didn't speak to her for the rest of the day. Consequently, she didn't make the usual wake-up call this morning; i woke up glancing at a clock that reads 8:50 - right when my AAS discussion ended. I needed to be in class today to turn in my paper as well as to do the peer-evaluation part. There's no midterm for this class; that 2-page paper was basically it.
So i lost it. Found myself asking aloud, 'omg, is this real?' It felt so unreal, the thought of undergoing impending failure. My roommies were incredibly supportive, btw. Then I realized i saw Tim passing by on his way to HIS discussion at the beginning of the year, which means... there is a later discussion for the same class that i can go to and do my peer-evaluation there. But Tim is an idiot who doesn't print out his schedule, so Brian couldn't tell me when &where his section was. I took a chance, told myself to believe that it's gonna work out &that i have the right information. Went to the chem discussion (got 37/40 on my quiz, not as high as i wanted, but pretty good). Went to ArtHis lecture. HAULED ASS back to Public Affairs to talk to Chris in Tim's discussion. I am SO GRATEFUL that he was so cool about it; i didn't even need to give him an excuse. He just asked me if i can sit in that section. Holy shiz. You can not imagine how happy i was then... We didn't even evaluate in our section, which was a waste, but still... PHEW.
But see, all of that is karma. The second i went against my mom, crap happens. Call me superstitious, but i went home with Tim. He's been really nice to me all day, since the moment i ran into him in the morning, all flustered. Brian and Tim taught me how to play Texas Hold'Em while i was locked out of my room around noon (today is just NOT my day, huh) We walked together to Rendezvous to pick up some food for the trip home. And now here i am - home. Thank god today is over!
So i lost it. Found myself asking aloud, 'omg, is this real?' It felt so unreal, the thought of undergoing impending failure. My roommies were incredibly supportive, btw. Then I realized i saw Tim passing by on his way to HIS discussion at the beginning of the year, which means... there is a later discussion for the same class that i can go to and do my peer-evaluation there. But Tim is an idiot who doesn't print out his schedule, so Brian couldn't tell me when &where his section was. I took a chance, told myself to believe that it's gonna work out &that i have the right information. Went to the chem discussion (got 37/40 on my quiz, not as high as i wanted, but pretty good). Went to ArtHis lecture. HAULED ASS back to Public Affairs to talk to Chris in Tim's discussion. I am SO GRATEFUL that he was so cool about it; i didn't even need to give him an excuse. He just asked me if i can sit in that section. Holy shiz. You can not imagine how happy i was then... We didn't even evaluate in our section, which was a waste, but still... PHEW.
But see, all of that is karma. The second i went against my mom, crap happens. Call me superstitious, but i went home with Tim. He's been really nice to me all day, since the moment i ran into him in the morning, all flustered. Brian and Tim taught me how to play Texas Hold'Em while i was locked out of my room around noon (today is just NOT my day, huh) We walked together to Rendezvous to pick up some food for the trip home. And now here i am - home. Thank god today is over!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Weird Ass Day
I checked out the Hammer Museum today, which was more like a waste of space than an inspiring collection. There were only 2 that really stood out to me. One was called Kiss, by Kaari Upson, Basically, the artist was infatuated with some guy, so she decided to draw her and his portraits, then fuse them together while the paint is still wet, so the result looks like someone took a big rake and scratched the image off the boards.
I went to HOPE meeting a few weeks ago, under the impression that they're an asian tutoring club that lets me volunteer to tutor highschool kids. But turns out, they're just a buncha political kids. It's the whole anti-communist without knowing shit thing again. Anyway, there was a really cute guy there, Sokline Hing. He's Cambodian, from Hawai'i (aka: Hottie), manly and buff with a devastating smile. &he was smart enough to pull a full scholarship to study in Cambodia over the summer :O I am... terribly infatuated with him. Anyway, he called me yesterday to schedule an counseling appointment, bc that's part of what the group does. AND I DONT KNOW WHY but i scheduled it! Was that stupid?! What am i gonna say? "Err Sorry i'm not joining your organization bc i think its yuckity yuck, but you are cute!" ??? Ugh im only a freshman, and he's graduating this year. WHYYYY. Why do i have no womanly charm ? Cool personality, yes, but no charm !! Soo yeah, i can never get someone to notice me :( I wish he can just be like, 'heyy let's walk together and get lunch.' That would make me so happy ...
I went to HOPE meeting a few weeks ago, under the impression that they're an asian tutoring club that lets me volunteer to tutor highschool kids. But turns out, they're just a buncha political kids. It's the whole anti-communist without knowing shit thing again. Anyway, there was a really cute guy there, Sokline Hing. He's Cambodian, from Hawai'i (aka: Hottie), manly and buff with a devastating smile. &he was smart enough to pull a full scholarship to study in Cambodia over the summer :O I am... terribly infatuated with him. Anyway, he called me yesterday to schedule an counseling appointment, bc that's part of what the group does. AND I DONT KNOW WHY but i scheduled it! Was that stupid?! What am i gonna say? "Err Sorry i'm not joining your organization bc i think its yuckity yuck, but you are cute!" ??? Ugh im only a freshman, and he's graduating this year. WHYYYY. Why do i have no womanly charm ? Cool personality, yes, but no charm !! Soo yeah, i can never get someone to notice me :( I wish he can just be like, 'heyy let's walk together and get lunch.' That would make me so happy ...
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