Went to Chinatown today with Wei. I was wired the whole time from coffee on the bus ride there, it felt terrible. It was an over-2-hour ride there, too...
I have to say, i hate China town. There was a reading i did for Bascara's class that mentioned how Asian ppl (especially Chinese) crudely imitate white ppl, in attempt to make them like and accept us. However, most end up making fools out of themselves for they fail to see they're the butt of e.o else's jokes or they just lack the language abilities. Anyway, Chinatown feels like that- colorful, as though to feign a sense of establishment over what might be known as shit; . The souvenir shops had all sort of odds &ends, things you would normally throw out, not spend money for. One shop sells e.t. from bottled water, yu-gi-oh cards, to fake jewelry, numchucks, and Halloween costume, all in one dingy, dirty random shop. Most of the things there look like they've been there for at least 10 years! Never mind the dust, i see things that i haven't seen since i was in 2nd grade! Things that i used to want, but never got. Seeing all of that just sickened me. I began to feel a strange sense of insecurity swelling up; it reminded me of the past and what a hopeless, depressing world that was. It wasn't just a single shop though, the entire China town seems as if they've been wrapped up and sent back to live in whatever old time they came from.
Then we went to dinner, which was also so-so. He offered to pay for dinner, but exchanged quarters for a dollar with me squarely rather than giving me 50cent for the bus ride. At one point his friends showed up in the same restaurant &he was embarrassed that they would think we're dating.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The best laid plans...
I met up with Sokline, which was more annoying than it needed to be. It's awkward enough that i don't want any association with that group, what i thought was a quick 15-minute greet &meet lasted for an hour, &i ended up missing an hour of midterm review for ArtHis. All bc he was showing me around the student activity center, which i have no interest in. We talked about academic stuff, he filled out a worksheet w/ boxes of a bunch of goals. My goals. Immediate academic goal, immediate holistic goal, future academic goals, future holistic goal, etc. I had to keep saying i have no goal at the moment. I even explained to him i dont like to put goals down on paper least i feel the pressure to having fulfill them at inconvenience. He countered that i shouldn't think of it as a check-off list, just "steps" that will help me get there. Still it was annoying. You're just a stranger, dude, what makes you think i can share my personal thoughts with you? I think, future-wise, i really want to settle down, find s.o. who can provide me the companionship, security, and love i long for. I've always craved love, any form of love, but i've done a pretty good job of concealing those wants and needs, haven't i? Anyway, i wasn't gonna share all that w/ him.
At one point, he was like, "i feel like i'm the one asking all the questions..." So i asked about a bright red string he was wearing, bc it really attracted my attention. It turned out to be from a Buddhist temple he went to in Cambodia - he's quite religious. He told me how Cambodian Buddhist worship a different sect than Vietnamese &Chinese Buddhist, which i didnt know b4. I wonder why we didnt have a longer conversation about that. Oh he's in Bascara's class w/ me! Dude just doesn't go to class! Apparently he has an upper div class w/ Bascara too, which was smaller &on a personal level.
I think i totally don't like him like him. I'm just being stubborn. Once s.o. catches my eyes, it's as if i close my eyes to all the reasoning my mind's telling me. Like i know we didn't really click or find each other fascinating - dude didn't even laugh at my witty jokes! - somehow inside me sth is retaliating, 'i don't care, let's keep stalking him.' Oh, his eyes are gorgeous. They remind me of the illustrations of Cambodian / APA i saw in class. They look like elongated almonds - a very distinct shape that i wish i can recapture on paper. But his teeth are horribly crooked, though.
At one point, he was like, "i feel like i'm the one asking all the questions..." So i asked about a bright red string he was wearing, bc it really attracted my attention. It turned out to be from a Buddhist temple he went to in Cambodia - he's quite religious. He told me how Cambodian Buddhist worship a different sect than Vietnamese &Chinese Buddhist, which i didnt know b4. I wonder why we didnt have a longer conversation about that. Oh he's in Bascara's class w/ me! Dude just doesn't go to class! Apparently he has an upper div class w/ Bascara too, which was smaller &on a personal level.
I think i totally don't like him like him. I'm just being stubborn. Once s.o. catches my eyes, it's as if i close my eyes to all the reasoning my mind's telling me. Like i know we didn't really click or find each other fascinating - dude didn't even laugh at my witty jokes! - somehow inside me sth is retaliating, 'i don't care, let's keep stalking him.' Oh, his eyes are gorgeous. They remind me of the illustrations of Cambodian / APA i saw in class. They look like elongated almonds - a very distinct shape that i wish i can recapture on paper. But his teeth are horribly crooked, though.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I hate offices.
Confusing nightmare. I think what they said in Inception was true - when you're in a dream, e.t. feels completely normal, it's when you wake up that you notice things that were out of the ordinary and yeah, completely ridiculous.
My 4th grade teacher was in my dream. He's a generally nice guy, although not too involved with his student. In my dream he was selecting among a group of students to accompany him on a study abroad trip i guess. We were sitting around a table, i was feeling very weird that day - a mixture of bitterness and rebellion, a very screw-you-world attitude. So i hid his drink under the table. He soon discovered it was me, and he was furious, as if I just stole from him or s.th. Anyway, to save my opportunities, i started begging him. I told him how hard it's been for me. I don't remember what but it was very personal, &i was very convincing. I guess in the end we were even closer than we were at the beginning. I had a feeling i got the position, although i never actually did see any confirmation. Oh and, there was a scene when i was chasing after him down a path of stairs on his way to a store, &wall e was walking out of the store. I stayed bhind bc i didn't want wall e to see me. There was a very clear scene that they crossed path. There were s.th very similar in their postures.
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Yesterday was exhausting. Dad had to come up &drive me home for a fcking housing interview, bc i am now '18.' The ride was long &nauseated, but i brought a bunch of rendezvous &pizza home, so that was nice. We went to the fcking meeting in that awful office. Waited for half an hour while the menacing receptionists barked at each other and at comers in the sourest, bitchiest, bossiest, most broken English ever. Kids dropped a few papers: "Gosh how can people do this?! What an undisciplined, uneducated family!" She couldn't even speak proper Vietnamese, adding meaningless words like 'okai?' 'you know?' every so often to speeds up her speech and perhaps hide her stupidity as well. Yes, i feel like ignorant stupid ppl like her were judging me, &that not only upset me but also made me recoil. By the time we got into the interviewer's office, i was full of hateful attitude. She TOLD me to translate to my parents - not asked, told - &told me to write things as if i were her personal secretaries. I almost screamed at her, 'why don't you do it, it's your job.' Things were really intense - papers flew at us, we had to sign this and that, one after another for almost 2 hours. I was overwhelmed, and thus, stressed out.
She had a picture of her daughter in her office, whom, judging by how young she looks, just entered uci. sth about the fancy portraits throughout her childhood and nice stuffed anteater of a frame (UCI) that made me feel uncomfortable. Yes, i feel like that girl has had things that i wasn't so fortunate to have in my childhood. But in truth, that is a silly feeling. I have senior portraits too, if i want to display 'em. I don't get the latest things that teenagers have, but i eventually have them, or the trend becomes worthless and goes away. Why do i always feel like a poor, deprived child? :( She was nice to me, in the end. She nicely gave me back my class schedule when i asked, &showed a degree of impression when i told her my family and i aren't paying a cent for college this year. I don't like public-assisting, social workers' offices.
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Dad drove me back to school early that afternoon for me to make it to my stupid interview for Asian Pacific Coalition internship. To be honest, i only did the application last minute bc the app was too awesome. I got to paste a snippet of my artworks on there, with my website and all. The interview was ridiculous. Total deja vu moment back to Decathlon's impromptu portion. They showed me a schedule: You have 2 minutes to introduce yourself &why you want to join (i only used 1 min. Fail), 10 minutes for us to ask questions, &2 minutes closing to tell us what you might regret not telling (wtf?) I tried not to laugh, bc i was so unprepared &my responses, though thoughtful, were completely bs. &they asked some serious stuff, like what does it mean to be a Vietnamese American (What is the meaning of life?!), why is it important for Pan America Asian Pacific groups to come together, what are the issues i'm most passionate about, what was the hardest moment of life &how did i overcome it. blabblab. You know i've never been successful at interviews, much less impromptu speeches...But i gotta try.
My 4th grade teacher was in my dream. He's a generally nice guy, although not too involved with his student. In my dream he was selecting among a group of students to accompany him on a study abroad trip i guess. We were sitting around a table, i was feeling very weird that day - a mixture of bitterness and rebellion, a very screw-you-world attitude. So i hid his drink under the table. He soon discovered it was me, and he was furious, as if I just stole from him or s.th. Anyway, to save my opportunities, i started begging him. I told him how hard it's been for me. I don't remember what but it was very personal, &i was very convincing. I guess in the end we were even closer than we were at the beginning. I had a feeling i got the position, although i never actually did see any confirmation. Oh and, there was a scene when i was chasing after him down a path of stairs on his way to a store, &wall e was walking out of the store. I stayed bhind bc i didn't want wall e to see me. There was a very clear scene that they crossed path. There were s.th very similar in their postures.
Yesterday was exhausting. Dad had to come up &drive me home for a fcking housing interview, bc i am now '18.' The ride was long &nauseated, but i brought a bunch of rendezvous &pizza home, so that was nice. We went to the fcking meeting in that awful office. Waited for half an hour while the menacing receptionists barked at each other and at comers in the sourest, bitchiest, bossiest, most broken English ever. Kids dropped a few papers: "Gosh how can people do this?! What an undisciplined, uneducated family!" She couldn't even speak proper Vietnamese, adding meaningless words like 'okai?' 'you know?' every so often to speeds up her speech and perhaps hide her stupidity as well. Yes, i feel like ignorant stupid ppl like her were judging me, &that not only upset me but also made me recoil. By the time we got into the interviewer's office, i was full of hateful attitude. She TOLD me to translate to my parents - not asked, told - &told me to write things as if i were her personal secretaries. I almost screamed at her, 'why don't you do it, it's your job.' Things were really intense - papers flew at us, we had to sign this and that, one after another for almost 2 hours. I was overwhelmed, and thus, stressed out.
She had a picture of her daughter in her office, whom, judging by how young she looks, just entered uci. sth about the fancy portraits throughout her childhood and nice stuffed anteater of a frame (UCI) that made me feel uncomfortable. Yes, i feel like that girl has had things that i wasn't so fortunate to have in my childhood. But in truth, that is a silly feeling. I have senior portraits too, if i want to display 'em. I don't get the latest things that teenagers have, but i eventually have them, or the trend becomes worthless and goes away. Why do i always feel like a poor, deprived child? :( She was nice to me, in the end. She nicely gave me back my class schedule when i asked, &showed a degree of impression when i told her my family and i aren't paying a cent for college this year. I don't like public-assisting, social workers' offices.
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Dad drove me back to school early that afternoon for me to make it to my stupid interview for Asian Pacific Coalition internship. To be honest, i only did the application last minute bc the app was too awesome. I got to paste a snippet of my artworks on there, with my website and all. The interview was ridiculous. Total deja vu moment back to Decathlon's impromptu portion. They showed me a schedule: You have 2 minutes to introduce yourself &why you want to join (i only used 1 min. Fail), 10 minutes for us to ask questions, &2 minutes closing to tell us what you might regret not telling (wtf?) I tried not to laugh, bc i was so unprepared &my responses, though thoughtful, were completely bs. &they asked some serious stuff, like what does it mean to be a Vietnamese American (What is the meaning of life?!), why is it important for Pan America Asian Pacific groups to come together, what are the issues i'm most passionate about, what was the hardest moment of life &how did i overcome it. blabblab. You know i've never been successful at interviews, much less impromptu speeches...But i gotta try.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Last weekend was Meghan [my roommie] and her bf's one-year anniversary. He flew in from NorCal to surprise her &all that cute stuff. I went home for the weekend &only saw him briefly when i got back. One of Jordan Hoyle's ex's recently got engaged to her bf of 4 years. &As it happened, he totally loved her &was upset by this news. He confessed it to Meghan, who wasn't so pleased. Then, Saturday night at 3-4 a.m., she saw his fb messages &found out he had msg-ed Ashley, telling her that he's upset by her engagement, that although he loves Meghan &tell her she means the world to him, it was only to make Ashley jealous. In truth, Ashley was everything to him. When she subtly told him to back off &even reassured him that his relationship with Meghan also seems difficult bc of the far distant, he almost begged her to talk to him. He even said he loves her. Well, after reading that, Meghan just cried. She told him what she read, &he panicked and cried too (wonderful) He apologized endlessly &says that he feels terrible for hurting her that way. He even told her this trip just proves to him that he has e.t. he needs. But, how can she believe his words after seeing his action? You know?
Hearing all that, i couldn't help but notice how i was in the same stagnant position. Isn't that where we ran into storms of issues and insecurities? He started to shift his attention to someone else, while proclaiming that I was the only one. We never could find the answer to our problem, you know. E.time he throws out a promise, it just sickened me more bc i no longer believed in any of it, bc he didn't give me anything to believe in. But i was dumb. I couldn't walk from it before it walked from me. I just want an adult relationship. I want someone who would guide me rather than making me find answers to perpetual problems. I kinda want a relationship
Hearing all that, i couldn't help but notice how i was in the same stagnant position. Isn't that where we ran into storms of issues and insecurities? He started to shift his attention to someone else, while proclaiming that I was the only one. We never could find the answer to our problem, you know. E.time he throws out a promise, it just sickened me more bc i no longer believed in any of it, bc he didn't give me anything to believe in. But i was dumb. I couldn't walk from it before it walked from me. I just want an adult relationship. I want someone who would guide me rather than making me find answers to perpetual problems. I kinda want a relationship
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Karma's a bitch.
Unfathomable. Just unbelievable. I think that much is true that today is a shitty day. My mom and I got into a fight yesterday bc she wants me to go home w/ Tim and i wanted to go w/ Theresa. As usual, she throws out her demands repeatedly without processing any of my reasoning. I got mad, told her i'll call her later, &didn't speak to her for the rest of the day. Consequently, she didn't make the usual wake-up call this morning; i woke up glancing at a clock that reads 8:50 - right when my AAS discussion ended. I needed to be in class today to turn in my paper as well as to do the peer-evaluation part. There's no midterm for this class; that 2-page paper was basically it.
So i lost it. Found myself asking aloud, 'omg, is this real?' It felt so unreal, the thought of undergoing impending failure. My roommies were incredibly supportive, btw. Then I realized i saw Tim passing by on his way to HIS discussion at the beginning of the year, which means... there is a later discussion for the same class that i can go to and do my peer-evaluation there. But Tim is an idiot who doesn't print out his schedule, so Brian couldn't tell me when &where his section was. I took a chance, told myself to believe that it's gonna work out &that i have the right information. Went to the chem discussion (got 37/40 on my quiz, not as high as i wanted, but pretty good). Went to ArtHis lecture. HAULED ASS back to Public Affairs to talk to Chris in Tim's discussion. I am SO GRATEFUL that he was so cool about it; i didn't even need to give him an excuse. He just asked me if i can sit in that section. Holy shiz. You can not imagine how happy i was then... We didn't even evaluate in our section, which was a waste, but still... PHEW.
But see, all of that is karma. The second i went against my mom, crap happens. Call me superstitious, but i went home with Tim. He's been really nice to me all day, since the moment i ran into him in the morning, all flustered. Brian and Tim taught me how to play Texas Hold'Em while i was locked out of my room around noon (today is just NOT my day, huh) We walked together to Rendezvous to pick up some food for the trip home. And now here i am - home. Thank god today is over!
So i lost it. Found myself asking aloud, 'omg, is this real?' It felt so unreal, the thought of undergoing impending failure. My roommies were incredibly supportive, btw. Then I realized i saw Tim passing by on his way to HIS discussion at the beginning of the year, which means... there is a later discussion for the same class that i can go to and do my peer-evaluation there. But Tim is an idiot who doesn't print out his schedule, so Brian couldn't tell me when &where his section was. I took a chance, told myself to believe that it's gonna work out &that i have the right information. Went to the chem discussion (got 37/40 on my quiz, not as high as i wanted, but pretty good). Went to ArtHis lecture. HAULED ASS back to Public Affairs to talk to Chris in Tim's discussion. I am SO GRATEFUL that he was so cool about it; i didn't even need to give him an excuse. He just asked me if i can sit in that section. Holy shiz. You can not imagine how happy i was then... We didn't even evaluate in our section, which was a waste, but still... PHEW.
But see, all of that is karma. The second i went against my mom, crap happens. Call me superstitious, but i went home with Tim. He's been really nice to me all day, since the moment i ran into him in the morning, all flustered. Brian and Tim taught me how to play Texas Hold'Em while i was locked out of my room around noon (today is just NOT my day, huh) We walked together to Rendezvous to pick up some food for the trip home. And now here i am - home. Thank god today is over!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Weird Ass Day
I checked out the Hammer Museum today, which was more like a waste of space than an inspiring collection. There were only 2 that really stood out to me. One was called Kiss, by Kaari Upson, Basically, the artist was infatuated with some guy, so she decided to draw her and his portraits, then fuse them together while the paint is still wet, so the result looks like someone took a big rake and scratched the image off the boards.
I went to HOPE meeting a few weeks ago, under the impression that they're an asian tutoring club that lets me volunteer to tutor highschool kids. But turns out, they're just a buncha political kids. It's the whole anti-communist without knowing shit thing again. Anyway, there was a really cute guy there, Sokline Hing. He's Cambodian, from Hawai'i (aka: Hottie), manly and buff with a devastating smile. &he was smart enough to pull a full scholarship to study in Cambodia over the summer :O I am... terribly infatuated with him. Anyway, he called me yesterday to schedule an counseling appointment, bc that's part of what the group does. AND I DONT KNOW WHY but i scheduled it! Was that stupid?! What am i gonna say? "Err Sorry i'm not joining your organization bc i think its yuckity yuck, but you are cute!" ??? Ugh im only a freshman, and he's graduating this year. WHYYYY. Why do i have no womanly charm ? Cool personality, yes, but no charm !! Soo yeah, i can never get someone to notice me :( I wish he can just be like, 'heyy let's walk together and get lunch.' That would make me so happy ...
I went to HOPE meeting a few weeks ago, under the impression that they're an asian tutoring club that lets me volunteer to tutor highschool kids. But turns out, they're just a buncha political kids. It's the whole anti-communist without knowing shit thing again. Anyway, there was a really cute guy there, Sokline Hing. He's Cambodian, from Hawai'i (aka: Hottie), manly and buff with a devastating smile. &he was smart enough to pull a full scholarship to study in Cambodia over the summer :O I am... terribly infatuated with him. Anyway, he called me yesterday to schedule an counseling appointment, bc that's part of what the group does. AND I DONT KNOW WHY but i scheduled it! Was that stupid?! What am i gonna say? "Err Sorry i'm not joining your organization bc i think its yuckity yuck, but you are cute!" ??? Ugh im only a freshman, and he's graduating this year. WHYYYY. Why do i have no womanly charm ? Cool personality, yes, but no charm !! Soo yeah, i can never get someone to notice me :( I wish he can just be like, 'heyy let's walk together and get lunch.' That would make me so happy ...
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Life is unexpected.
Yesterday was weird. I stayed this weekend to go to Little Tokyo w/ the Japanese/anime club w/ Theresa. They turned out to be a weird bunch - some nice, but majority weird - and i have never participated in a conversation as clueless as i was. They aren't just fans, they're fanatic.. We did see little tokyo, but they mostly went into anime shops, which i took no pleasure in doing. Went to a couple of gift shops, picked up some present for christine's and khang's birthdays. I got khang a humpty dumpty (that's what they call it) paper figurine. It's really cute :
Zuluaga has always told me that life is unexpected. And holy cow, it IS. On our trip i met this guy in his 30s, who turned out to be a professor at ucr. He lives in LA [bc apparently Riverside is dull as a ghost town] but commutes there to teach. English professor studying postcolonial lit. An immigrant from singapore, studied on the east coast, PhD at Brown U. He's also an anime/manga/drama fanatic, and he giggles at cute kitten stickers. Creepy? Yes. He googled the anime club at UCLA and randomly joined in with us. Creepy? Yes. But he's also very nice, with a British accent. The 3 of us had a good time just venturing the city. We're going to Chinatown next friday. Hopefully.
i went back around 6 &ran my ass off back to my dorm bc my parents were waiting right outside. My mom has made a fuss all day bc we agreed for her to visit but im busy all morning. I wanted to take her to cafe 1919 to try gelato and homemade italian food, take my dad to get chinese at rendevouz, and maybe a coffee at 1919 too. I had all these wonderful plans and by the time they were here, all of us were just pissed off. &i had to try to not act piss off bc she'd think i don't want her there, but i have a feeling she did anyway. It's so exhausting, trying not to offend her. I don't want her to think i'm ashamed of her, bc i'm not. But stimes the idea comes to her so naturally that idk how to fix it. &it just makes me want to cry. Parking was a huge deal; mom keeps threatening to go home. Cafe 1919 closed, Rendevouz closed. I ended up taking them to Covel, but since it's a dining hall, it kinda sucked. My dad was icky w/ the food, so yeah... B4 they left, mom gave me a quick hug &a kiss. Dad called out from the driver seat to tell me to focus on my studies and not going out for fun (bc they guessed i went out this morning probably) Again, i cried, but this time i watched them drove away.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Thursday, 14 October 2010 Down day
Today semi sucked.
Woke up early for Bascara's office hours. I'd like to announce officially that Rolfe Hall is my least favorite [most despised] building. Although, Bascara's office is so quaint, and cute - tiny room surrounded by walls and stacks of books, window overlooking LA hills, unique decorations. I saw Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club on his shelf. Anyway, our meeting didn't go as well as i had thought. In a way that's expected, bc i came spilling to him about sth rather personal, w/out a purpose, or even a coherent thought process, for that matter. I could see confusion on his face bc i presented myself so unprofessionally, but he's so scholarly that he just kept talking. I find it funny as i sat there in his office, trying to maintain steady eye contact and interest. What was i thinking? I can't even listen to the guy talk in his lecture, &now i wanna be face-to-face w/ him? He showed me 2 books written by Vietnamese scholar women, one of whom is an actual professor on campus &he encouraged me to go to her. But dude didn't even let me borrow his books... I really didn't like that, it's quite stingy. He asked for my email &said he'd email me the titles and an excerpt article or sth, but i don't think i'll receive it anytime soon. So, no extreme amazement like i had hoped, no coffee-meet scheduled, not even enthusiastic reply.
Then i went to ARTHIS discussion &discovered i got a 7/10 on the first [easy] hw. Describe the bust of Nefertiti. How great. The TA even used my grade as an example to encourage ppl not to freak out, "If you got a 7/10, don't think omg you're failing." I wasn't thinking that, but now that you mention it... >< I don't like this class.
Went back to Rolfe for Chris Woon's office hour [geez i hate that building] Again, cute office, nothing good happened. I actually checked him out online, &he's really cool - DJ, movie director/manager, skater, awesome photographer, the whole shebang; AND he likes to venture to find solitude :o But i feel like reading my essay is just not his expertise. I could see he really tried to go over it, but w/ difficulty. He pulled out the prompt &constantly read from it to reiterate, but meh. At the end, he asked me, w/ almost a pleading tone, if he had helped me, &i said yes. i am really impressed w/ his character, though.
Oh &i went to a meditation / yoga exercise group meet / lecture / thing. It was kinda weird, especially when the guy taught us some sort of 'yoga dance', &then lectured us on the theory of the universe, which sounded like religion to me, but he said it's fundamental for all beliefs, we just don't realize it [wth?]
I tried a marzipan today, w/ a super hot cup of coff. the whole thing was surprisingly good.
Woke up early for Bascara's office hours. I'd like to announce officially that Rolfe Hall is my least favorite [most despised] building. Although, Bascara's office is so quaint, and cute - tiny room surrounded by walls and stacks of books, window overlooking LA hills, unique decorations. I saw Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club on his shelf. Anyway, our meeting didn't go as well as i had thought. In a way that's expected, bc i came spilling to him about sth rather personal, w/out a purpose, or even a coherent thought process, for that matter. I could see confusion on his face bc i presented myself so unprofessionally, but he's so scholarly that he just kept talking. I find it funny as i sat there in his office, trying to maintain steady eye contact and interest. What was i thinking? I can't even listen to the guy talk in his lecture, &now i wanna be face-to-face w/ him? He showed me 2 books written by Vietnamese scholar women, one of whom is an actual professor on campus &he encouraged me to go to her. But dude didn't even let me borrow his books... I really didn't like that, it's quite stingy. He asked for my email &said he'd email me the titles and an excerpt article or sth, but i don't think i'll receive it anytime soon. So, no extreme amazement like i had hoped, no coffee-meet scheduled, not even enthusiastic reply.
Then i went to ARTHIS discussion &discovered i got a 7/10 on the first [easy] hw. Describe the bust of Nefertiti. How great. The TA even used my grade as an example to encourage ppl not to freak out, "If you got a 7/10, don't think omg you're failing." I wasn't thinking that, but now that you mention it... >< I don't like this class.
Went back to Rolfe for Chris Woon's office hour [geez i hate that building] Again, cute office, nothing good happened. I actually checked him out online, &he's really cool - DJ, movie director/manager, skater, awesome photographer, the whole shebang; AND he likes to venture to find solitude :o But i feel like reading my essay is just not his expertise. I could see he really tried to go over it, but w/ difficulty. He pulled out the prompt &constantly read from it to reiterate, but meh. At the end, he asked me, w/ almost a pleading tone, if he had helped me, &i said yes. i am really impressed w/ his character, though.
Oh &i went to a meditation / yoga exercise group meet / lecture / thing. It was kinda weird, especially when the guy taught us some sort of 'yoga dance', &then lectured us on the theory of the universe, which sounded like religion to me, but he said it's fundamental for all beliefs, we just don't realize it [wth?]
I tried a marzipan today, w/ a super hot cup of coff. the whole thing was surprisingly good.
Monday, 11 October 2010 What the heck happened ?? Whale watching with Caroline
i had a horrible dream... I think i was with some guy - beautiful scenery, i think we both were painters, so, the novelist job. I think we were together, bc i relied on him gesturally and he kind of takes care of me. But i think he was with someone else, too. Actually she's his main girl, and she kind of cares about me as well. I don't know what i am. Just a figure of melancholia. At some point i needed an answer to sth, and he couldn't provide it. I became sad and left, wondering around. Somehow all 3 of us unite, i asked her if i can have a drink to make me feel better, and she said there's no more. I want to jump into the ocean for awhile - notice there's water right outside the edge of our raised platform, by the door. Not a beach, just a body of deep, blue seawater about 2 feet high, leading to the ocean. But no one actually jumped in. Blah, what this mean ?!
To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. To dream that water is rising up in your house, suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions.
To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. To dream that water is rising up in your house, suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions.
Saturday, as scheduled, Caroline picked me up from my house to go whale-watching. Now to think of it, i was surprised i didn't face much resistance from my mom. She didn't even mention a.t. about the fact that my friend is driving. Caroline &her friend Lynnie got out of her car &said hi to her. Caroline's so cute when she drives; she makes funny noises like squeaks and giggles. It's creepy, but cute at the same time. Hehe. I went to her house bc zuluaga was going to pick us all up from there. Met Derek. We drove all the way to Balboa Island (never knew it existed), took the ferry across, went on the boat out to the sea. I wasn't too fond of the boat trip, bc of motion-sickness :( Wasn't fond of the fish either, bc dolphins are dolphins, we didn't see any whale, but i imagine whales would just be whales also. The whole trip was kinda weird for me, only bc i've never really hung out w/ them b4, &they're older than me. Caroline's really energetic, lol. Overall, i enjoyed it - good experience, great company. Afterward Zulu had to leave to meet up w/ some other ppl. I taunted him about revealing our paella place to the others (they've never heard of it before *gasp*) &he begged me to let him take them out on their first time. Lol. We ended up going to eat sushi instead. I've never been crazy about sushi - it's just seafood and rice in a roll. But dinner was great. Derek ended up paying i think for 8 dishes, about $12 each. EEK ! Then Lynn gave me a ride home. I went out until nearly 9, and no phone call from mom. YAY ! (=
Saturday, 09 October 2010
I went out with Zuluaga yesterday. Was super excited to see him after i sang happy birthday to him on the phone on his birthday. The minute i got in his car, i was uncomfortable. I mean, for some reason, i didn't tell my roommates that i were going with him; i said a girl friend of mine is meeting me for dinner. I gave him my gift when i saw him - a book of Desmond Tutu's quotes, and chocolate - and he kissed me on the cheek. We went for a walk around Westwood, i told him my dilemma, we talked for a bit. Went to a Japanese barbecue restaurant, one of those ridiculous places where you are given a small amount of food, expected to cook your own food, and charged with a crazy amount. It was good, but not great. Lol, we sat next to this fat couple who looked like they were on a date. At one point i got excited about sth apparently, and started swinging my utensils when i spoke. Much to my dismay, i flung food to their table :O They just laughed it off though. That was funny.
We talked. I told him about my cultural confusion dilemma, and how i want speak to my professor about it. I still don't know what to do. Intuitively, i WANT to talk to my professor, bc, well.. i have a damn good story to tell. But in telling, i kinda expect some sort of resolution to my dilemma, perhaps a justification for the history, an explanation without personal bias and bitterness. I realized... i don't know what i want. Idk what am i gonna ask from him, HOW am i gonna present my situation to him, what will be his reaction, etc. UNSOLVED. We talked about other stuff, zuluaga and i, discussed books, told stories. I told him the stories about the korean couple i learned in class, and he provided his point of view. Then he asked me what asian women tend to think, how they act within the family dynamic, bc he "was married to one." We brought up the past, and i felt that he had had very strong feelings for her, in the sense that... he might still does. He commented, 'i've met my soulmate once in my life, but we're just not together,' or sth along that line. He said he doesn't know why he married her, but he does acknowledge that their 5 years together left him with a lot of memories. She is the mother of the daughter he loves and adores infinitely, you know ? I just... don't understand, then, what his current wife means to him. Is she of lesser importance as the first ? Probably not, but i dont think he ever speak about her much, except when mentioning her schizophrenia conditions... NO COMMENT.
At the end of the day, he apologized for kissing me bc he noticed i was uncomfortable. Er, yeah. I hate this. When i don't see him, i am anxious to share the things i see and the things i feel with him. When we go out, i feel extremely uncomfortable, as if to tell myself i shouldn't be doing this.
We talked. I told him about my cultural confusion dilemma, and how i want speak to my professor about it. I still don't know what to do. Intuitively, i WANT to talk to my professor, bc, well.. i have a damn good story to tell. But in telling, i kinda expect some sort of resolution to my dilemma, perhaps a justification for the history, an explanation without personal bias and bitterness. I realized... i don't know what i want. Idk what am i gonna ask from him, HOW am i gonna present my situation to him, what will be his reaction, etc. UNSOLVED. We talked about other stuff, zuluaga and i, discussed books, told stories. I told him the stories about the korean couple i learned in class, and he provided his point of view. Then he asked me what asian women tend to think, how they act within the family dynamic, bc he "was married to one." We brought up the past, and i felt that he had had very strong feelings for her, in the sense that... he might still does. He commented, 'i've met my soulmate once in my life, but we're just not together,' or sth along that line. He said he doesn't know why he married her, but he does acknowledge that their 5 years together left him with a lot of memories. She is the mother of the daughter he loves and adores infinitely, you know ? I just... don't understand, then, what his current wife means to him. Is she of lesser importance as the first ? Probably not, but i dont think he ever speak about her much, except when mentioning her schizophrenia conditions... NO COMMENT.
At the end of the day, he apologized for kissing me bc he noticed i was uncomfortable. Er, yeah. I hate this. When i don't see him, i am anxious to share the things i see and the things i feel with him. When we go out, i feel extremely uncomfortable, as if to tell myself i shouldn't be doing this.
I am invited to SETH MICHAEL ANTHONY ORTEGA [holy shiz] 's wedding. It's on Nov 1st, a monday, which is gay bc i have 2 classes that day. I can ditch both, but i haven't figured out the transportation there yet. I took the train w/ Theresa today, and it was exhausting. Turns out she's not any better than me at direction, just more get-on-with-it. we took the wrong Rapid Metro bus and accidentally went to Santa Monica beach. The nice bus driver gave us a bus pass and directed us back. After we got to our destination, we hopped onto the Subway underground to get to the Union Station. From there we purchased our train ticket and took the train home. The subway was something akin to an unhappy version of a Disneyland ride. The train was like the plane; i met some nice ppl, not at all scary. But overall, it's hella tiring, and i really don't want to do that there and back by myself for a 3-hour event. SIGHHH
Tuesday, 05 October 2010 Zzz
I am soo absolutely TIRED !
Last weekend, i went home early w/ Tim instead of going at night w/ Theresa, bc my mom sounded sad when i told her i'd rather go w/ her (Theresa). We ended up going home really late anyway; i passed out on the couch. W/ the exception of reading 2 pg for Art, i did absolutely NO hw. Went out &saw Salt w/ the family. Then sunday, i had to get up early to go back to UCLA for Care Extenders' volunteer orientation at Santa Monica Hospital. Laura &i took the bus there. Both of us being first timers didn't know jack. The bus driver got the impression that we weren't gonna pay - She didn't really like us, i sensed. We got there &saw about 175 ppl showed up - one session among ten others similar. They're taking 70 ppl. Fat chance... We had to sit in the cafeteria to fill out a 6-pg application for an hour. It was like a test ! We weren't allowed to talk or use our phones... 3 essays questions - 'What are the pros and cons of running healthcare as a business? What are your alternatives?', 'Write an Elevator Pitch advertising yourself', 'DRAW sth that represents you &explains.' DRAW !!! I drew Spongebob &explained that i am a sponge who absorbs others' knowledge and emotions. lol...
I liked them bc they offer different programs for us to shadow in - maternity ward, oncology (cancer-related ?)... I wanna see babies being born ! Is that a bad idea ? (= Tonight i went to HOPE orientation, recommended by Steph, my mentor. They're a very small group, so small that i don't think i'm gonna get in. They currently have 10 volunteers for the medical branch and will take 7 new ppl. According to them, volunteers actually get to do e.t. instead of just standing on the side. We'll get to learn to take blood pressure, measure height &weight, all the technical stuff. Which, i have to admit, sounds super cool. But like i said... what are the chances ? UGHHH, COLLEGE = SO MANY REJECTIONS ! I'm sad :( I got rejected for that job at the Public Health building, btw, the one I ran my ass off to get to... But i could kinda tell she didn't really want me this time, sth in her eyes..
I woke up early today after going to bed at 4 A.M. bc my TA's office hours are 8-10. %#*& I had a question on a hw for chem, which Peter the TA couldn't answer, so i had to drag my ass out in the freezing rain, w/ my squeaky flip-flops and all, to see him. He still couldn't answer my question. He's a nice guy, by all means... But he's not doing a very good job as the TA of my hardest class &that makes me annoyed. Anyway, i went to Lavelle's office hour, which was worse: A room full of ppl asking STUPID questions like how to balance the equation &dilute solutions. He spelled out step-by-step for them, wasting e.o.'s time. I didn't get to ask my question, but i'm not coming back to office hours again. Just this ONCE, i want to say... stupid blondes...
I'm just stressed bc just a couple of days ago, i was still an idle person anxious about not having a.t. to do. &now, suddenly, i have a shit load of hw and reading to catch up. I WILL NOT LET COLLEGE KICK MY ASS !
Last weekend, i went home early w/ Tim instead of going at night w/ Theresa, bc my mom sounded sad when i told her i'd rather go w/ her (Theresa). We ended up going home really late anyway; i passed out on the couch. W/ the exception of reading 2 pg for Art, i did absolutely NO hw. Went out &saw Salt w/ the family. Then sunday, i had to get up early to go back to UCLA for Care Extenders' volunteer orientation at Santa Monica Hospital. Laura &i took the bus there. Both of us being first timers didn't know jack. The bus driver got the impression that we weren't gonna pay - She didn't really like us, i sensed. We got there &saw about 175 ppl showed up - one session among ten others similar. They're taking 70 ppl. Fat chance... We had to sit in the cafeteria to fill out a 6-pg application for an hour. It was like a test ! We weren't allowed to talk or use our phones... 3 essays questions - 'What are the pros and cons of running healthcare as a business? What are your alternatives?', 'Write an Elevator Pitch advertising yourself', 'DRAW sth that represents you &explains.' DRAW !!! I drew Spongebob &explained that i am a sponge who absorbs others' knowledge and emotions. lol...
I liked them bc they offer different programs for us to shadow in - maternity ward, oncology (cancer-related ?)... I wanna see babies being born ! Is that a bad idea ? (= Tonight i went to HOPE orientation, recommended by Steph, my mentor. They're a very small group, so small that i don't think i'm gonna get in. They currently have 10 volunteers for the medical branch and will take 7 new ppl. According to them, volunteers actually get to do e.t. instead of just standing on the side. We'll get to learn to take blood pressure, measure height &weight, all the technical stuff. Which, i have to admit, sounds super cool. But like i said... what are the chances ? UGHHH, COLLEGE = SO MANY REJECTIONS ! I'm sad :( I got rejected for that job at the Public Health building, btw, the one I ran my ass off to get to... But i could kinda tell she didn't really want me this time, sth in her eyes..
I woke up early today after going to bed at 4 A.M. bc my TA's office hours are 8-10. %#*& I had a question on a hw for chem, which Peter the TA couldn't answer, so i had to drag my ass out in the freezing rain, w/ my squeaky flip-flops and all, to see him. He still couldn't answer my question. He's a nice guy, by all means... But he's not doing a very good job as the TA of my hardest class &that makes me annoyed. Anyway, i went to Lavelle's office hour, which was worse: A room full of ppl asking STUPID questions like how to balance the equation &dilute solutions. He spelled out step-by-step for them, wasting e.o.'s time. I didn't get to ask my question, but i'm not coming back to office hours again. Just this ONCE, i want to say... stupid blondes...
I'm just stressed bc just a couple of days ago, i was still an idle person anxious about not having a.t. to do. &now, suddenly, i have a shit load of hw and reading to catch up. I WILL NOT LET COLLEGE KICK MY ASS !
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